Ministry Matters: Missy Buchanan

ARTICLE: Preserving Stories

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 05:00:00 GMT

During the summer and early fall of 2011, I had the opportunity to sit with Lucimarian Roberts, the 88 year-old mother of Good Morning America anchor, Robin Roberts, and listen to her life stories. Lucimarian, Robin and I were co-authoring a book together. My role was to capture Lucimarian’s stories as she shared them with me.

Each morning I would wait in my hotel room for Lucimarian to call and tell me that she was ready to begin another interview session. I would hop into my rental car and make the short drive along the Mississippi Gulf Coast to her home in Pass Christian. As we took our seats opposite one another in her living room, I would pull out my notebook and pen then turn on a tiny tape recorder to record the conversation.

Though I had a list of questions ready to prompt Lucimarian’s memory, I quickly discovered that her stories flowed effortlessly. In fact, there was a natural rhythm that developed as one story spontaneously sparked one another, then another. I found that there was no need to adhere to a chronological time line. The stories made their own way as we meandered through various seasons of her life.

My heart was warmed each time I’d see Lucimarian’s eyes light up when she remembered something she especially wanted to share. She amazed me with her recall of detail. By the time I glanced at the clock, I realized that hours had passed since we had begun.

As I listened to Lucimarian’s stories, I felt the past come alive through the voice of this African American woman. She had lived through the Great Depression and had dealt with years of racial injustice. She had grown up with an alcoholic father and a mother who worked two jobs to keep the family together. But through every challenge, she says it was her Christian faith that gave her the strength and courage to persevere.

I soon discovered how the hymns she’d learned in her childhood brought her comfort as she rode out Hurricane Katrina in her Mississippi home. I listened intently as she talked about how she turned the wounds of racial injustice into opportunities to reflect Christ’s love. Without a doubt, there was much wisdom in hearing her stories.

The thing is, you don’t have to be a celebrity’s mother to have important life stories. Everyone has a life story made up of countless narratives. Some of those narratives are pivotal moments, others are ordinary happenings. But together they create a one-of-a-kind tapestry. If you stand back and study the tapestry, you’ll likely find great wisdom that comes from long life.

Today’s church has an opportunity to share and preserve stories of older adults, stories which will benefit younger people. Here are some ideas to capture those stories:

1) Host an intergenerational event in which stories are celebrated. Ask each person, young and old, to bring a “touchstone”—an item that triggers special memories of a relationship or event from their life. Break into multi-aged groups of ten or fifteen. Have each person share a brief story about their object.

2) Invite older adults to share their life stories on video. Create a home-like atmosphere in a small room with an easy chair and lamp. Since older adults may find a video camera intimidating, disguise it behind a faux tree or plant. Have an interviewer, perhaps a youth, ask questions of the older adult. Capture their stories on DVD. Provide copies for the older adult and for the church library.

3) Create a booklet of faith stories of older adults. Ask each older adult to share a time when their faith was challenged or to tell how their faith helped them overcome a difficult period in their life. For those older adults unable to write their own story, have a church or family member write it for them. Print copies of the booklet for each family in the church.

Each month, Missy Buchanan shares insight and strategies for rethinking 50-plus ministry. You can find Missy online at www.missybuchanan.com.

Connect with Missy: Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn

ARTICLE: Reaching Older Adults: Are Seminaries Equipping Pastors to Minister to Seniors?

Mon, 07 May 2012 05:00:00 GMT

About a year ago, I heard from a young pastor of a United Methodist church who said he had a confession he wanted to share with me. He told me that he had come face-to-face with a hard truth. He’d been guilty of having a defensive attitude about ministering to and with the older adults in his church. What bothered him even more was the realization that he was guilty of mocking older members in the presence of church members and staff. When I asked him why he felt the need to confide in me, he explained that he had been convicted by something he’d read in my Twitter posts.

The thirty-six year-old minister explained that he usually put in a half-hearted appearance at the quarterly Senior Adult potluck luncheon, and though he made homebound and nursing home visits, he put them at the bottom of his priority list. Over time, he had come to realize that his attitude was really a disguise for feelings of inadequacy. Now he was asking himself the difficult questions. How was he supposed to help older adults grow spiritually as they faced tough life transitions? How could he more effectively build congregational strength by encouraging and empowering older adults at each life stage?

As I pondered all the young man had said, I had to admire his candor and courage. That’s when he said something that really caught my attention. He told me that nothing in seminary had really prepared him for dealing with the real-life challenges of an aging population. With half of his congregation fifty-five or older, he was mainly interested in reaching young people. Besides he felt clueless about how to engage older adults. He found it difficult to relate to boomers who seemed to be caught up in their own world, and he dreaded ministry to seniors who were struggling with chronic health issues, loss of mobility and a lack of purpose.

I had to admit I was stunned. I wondered, are our seminaries really not providing students practical skills to deal with such an obvious demographic reality? Or are they assuming that everyone going into the ministry field has a natural ability to understand the unique needs and challenges of aging?

As I inquired about the young man’s seminary experience, he told me that aging had only been addressed as a very minor part of a pastoral care class he had taken. In his recollection, it totaled less than an hour of class time. He had received no specific training for ministry with older adults, including the frail elderly. It was not surprising that he felt woefully ill-equipped to help older congregants deal with unique life span issues.

The young pastor’s responses piqued my curiosity. I decided to explore some of the United Methodist seminaries to see what I could find out about the core curriculum as it relates to a Christian perspective on aging. After a flurry of emails and inquiries, I found that a few UM seminaries did offer a class on aging. However, in each case it was offered as an option, not as a part of the core curriculum. Most often, aging was a minor sub-topic in a pastoral care class, usually tied to grief or end-of-life counseling. A few seminaries offered certifications for those who had a specific interest in aging but none required a course that would help all seminarians who will face a diverse, aging population in their appointments, and in fact, in the world.

I can’t help but wonder if our ministers wouldn’t be more effective in ministry and leadership if they had a better understanding of aging and late-life transitions, especially in a culture that values youth over age. Could our seminaries provide them practical insight into the unique needs of each older adult sub-group—from boomers to frail—so that they could better empower all older adults to lean forward in life and utilize their skills and experiences to serve others?

Each month, Missy Buchanan shares insight and strategies for rethinking 50-plus ministry. You can find Missy online at www.missybuchanan.com.

Connect with Missy: Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn

BLOG: Doors of Opportunity

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 05:00:00 GMT

Mother-daughter stories are legacies of love, hope, and pride. This story is told by Lucimarian Roberts, mother of ABC anchor Robin Roberts, in My Story, My Song: Mother-Daughter Reflections on Life and Faith

Sitting next to Eleanor Roosevelt at an elegant dinner seemed a foggy dream. Who could have imagined that Lucimarian Tolliver, daughter of a domestic worker and an alcoholic father, would be a foot away from the former First Lady of the United States? I was a senior at Howard University and could barely wrap my mind around the reality.

A few years before the luncheon, Mrs. Roosevelt had made newspaper headlines when she abruptly resigned from the Daughters of the American Revolution in protest of the DAR refusing to rent its Constitution Hall for a concert given by black opera singer Marian Anderson. Now I was seated next to her, the First Lady who had done so much to publicly confront the injustices of racism and segregation.

Dr. Mordecai Johnson, President of Howard University, often invited dignitaries to the campus as a way to introduce students to prominent individuals who were involved in humanitarian causes. I was one of only two seniors invited for this particular occasion. As the president of Howard University Women’s League, I was asked to sit on one side of Mrs. Roosevelt. A male student representing the young men of Howard sat on the other. I remember being impressed by how articulate Mrs. Roosevelt was, asking questions then listening attentively to my answers. But it is only in retrospect that I realize just how blessed I was to have had that opportunity.

My years at Howard University were filled with other opportunities I had never expected. Besides the honor of sitting next to the First Lady and being selected as the president of Women’s League, I was the president of my dormitory, Frazier Hall, during my junior year. For my senior year, I was elected by my classmates to be one of the mentors at Sojourner Truth Hall, the residence hall for freshmen women. It was a special honor because students were asked to select a senior classmate they would most want to mentor their younger sisters. I also took great pride in participating in my sorority, Alpha Kappa Alpha, which was founded at Howard back in 1908. And of course, I was active in the chapel choir program.

I confess that there was a certain amount of esteem that came with these leadership positions. But if ever I began to feel too puffy and proud, the words of my wise mother came circling back through my mind. It was a simple but weighty warning. When you strut, you stumble.

During my junior year, I was especially pleased that my mother was able to attend a mother-daughter tea hosted by the university. She preferred to travel by bus and had saved enough money for a ticket for a long weekend in Washington. A fashion-conscious friend from Akron helped her select clothes suitable for the occasion. I met her at the bus station then took her on a tour of the campus where she met some of my classmates and their mothers. As evening came, my roommate and I gave our dorm room to our mothers while we bunked in another room with fellow students. In truth, we should not be credited for our gracious hospitality. We just didn’t want to share a room with our mothers who snored.

On the day of the tea, my eyes rimmed with tears of joy. My mother was so proud to be included in this special event. I remember glancing at her work-worn hands and thinking of all the things she had sacrificed to help get me to this place in time.

Robin’s Reflection

Whenever I'm waiting for mom down in baggage claim people from her flight will stream past me and let me know she's on her way. I always wonder how do all these people know she's my mom...it's because she has never met a stranger. She talks to everyone. She enjoys visiting me in New York and having lunch at a sidewalk cafe. She gets a kick out of looking at people up and down as they pass by our table. I'll say: "Mom, stop staring!" She responds: "I'm not staring, honey, I'm people watching." Mom has a wonderful sense of humor.

One day, some years ago, I was in the car with her and she accidentally cut off another driver. At the next light the driver pulled up next to mom's car and was telling her off. I wanted to jump out and give this guy a piece of my mind. But before I could, mom calmly rolled down her window and sweetly said to him: "Your momma." I don't know who was more stunned, him or me.

________________________________________

Excerpted from My Story, My Song: Mother-Daughter Reflections on Life and Faith, by Robin Roberts and Lucimarian Roberts with Missy Buchanan. Used by permission.

ARTICLE: Standing in the Footsteps

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 05:00:00 GMT

At last year’s Ash Wednesday service, my husband and I sat behind an older couple who had been our friends since we first joined the church thirty years before. The elderly pair had served in every imaginable church leadership position during their long lives. Even at age ninety-one, he still taught their adult Sunday school class. She had belonged to the same Methodist congregation since birth.

Years ago when their only child—a son—died tragically at age fourteen, longtime church members said it was the strong faith of the heartbroken couple that had led the rest of the community through the dark days of doubt. Now all these years later, they were still active in the church, supporting every youth program, mission effort, and building project. Incredibly generous and faithful, they were what most people would have described as pillars of the church.

As the first hymn of the Lenten service was announced, we watched the older couple struggle to get to their feet. It would have been understandable if they have chosen to remain seated, but they seemed determined to stand. No doubt their joints were aching and their energy was waning.

After we were seated again, we heard them discuss in loud “stage whispers” if they would go down to the front of the church for the imposition of ashes. She was concerned that she’d be slow and hold up the line. Maybe they should wait for the minister to come to them, she said. But after a brief back-and-forth conversation, they chose to go forward with the rest of the congregation.

When the moment came to get in line, the elderly woman purposely left behind her three-pronged cane. She clung to her elderly husband as they inched their way into the center aisle. At the same time my husband and I slipped out of our seats and took our places behind them in a line of familiar faces.

That’s when I experienced a holy moment. I glanced at the floor and saw the feet of this older couple. Sensible shoes, slow painful steps. I realized that we were literally and figuratively walking in their footsteps.

As the couple drew near to the ministers, I felt my eyes fill with tears. I was humbled by their powerful witness and faith. Though life was not easy, they pressed forward. They stopped and leaned on each other as they received the sign of the cross on their foreheads then began their trek up a side aisle.

Once we were seated again, I kept my eye on the line of congregants continuing to file past us as they made their way down the center aisle. There were several families with young children, single mothers, middle-aged professionals, retired empty-nesters and a large group of teenagers. I wondered if any of them had paid attention to the older couple who had gone before them. Had they seen them modeling courage in the face of uncertainty? Had they looked around to see other older adults who were also standing firm in faith?

One thing I know for sure. Caught up in our own hurried lives, we have a tendency to miss holy moments that are right in front of us. Sometimes all we have to do is look down to see the feet of those going before us in faith.

Each month, Missy Buchanan shares insight and strategies for rethinking 50-plus ministry. Her latest book, Aging Faithfully: 28 Days of Prayer, is now available. You can find Missy online at www.missybuchanan.com.

Connect with Missy: Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn

ARTICLE: Fears of Aging

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMT

A few weeks ago I received a Christmas letter from a long-married couple in their nineties. I had to smile when I came to a particular sentence. “This year we managed not to be patients in a hospital," they wrote. For some readers, it might have seemed an odd thing to mention in a holiday card. But to those adults who are already in that late season of life, my friends’ proclamation made perfect sense.

Over the last few years, the husband and wife have each struggled with a litany of age-related ailments. Then a couple of years ago they were in a car wreck that landed the wife in the hospital for a month before spending several additional months in a rehabilitation center for extensive therapy. I knew this was not how the elderly couple had hoped their twilight season would be. He was frantic trying to navigate confusing hospital hallways while she wondered if she would ever have the energy to complete even one of the exercises in her therapy class. But over time, they were able to return to their normal routine at home.

This year when I chatted with my friends about their Christmas letter, they shared honest thoughts about the realities of growing old. They talked about what it means to live faithfully in a season that involves so much uncertainty and stress. Heeding the angel’s words, “Do not be afraid,” was not always easy, they said.

Our conversation reminded me of something another older friend told me not long ago. She has also had to deal with a long list of medical issues, especially in recent years. According to my friend, any week without a medical appointment is a great week. Her life is organized around medical appointments, typically two or three in a week. She confessed that the most worrisome part of her life is waiting for another round of test results and wondering how it will impact her shrinking independence.

I also thought of another elderly friend who once refused to push the button on her medical alert necklace when she fell because she knew an ambulance would be dispatched. In her way of thinking, she was almost certain she had not broken a bone. She just needed help getting up. Her real fear was of being whisked away to the emergency room amid pulsating lights and sirens. Thankfully she managed to crawl across the room to a sturdy chair and was able to pull herself up.

Now don’t get me wrong. My friends, like many older adults, are very thankful for doctors and medical advancements. But they are also wise enough to accept the fact that bodies wear out and a crisis is likely to come in spite of the best medical care.

When I speak to senior adult groups, I often ask what things they fear or dread most about growing older. They speak about the fear of being left alone. Some talk about the fear of outliving their money. But the most common fear is of lingering in a state of dependency. In fact, I have discovered a general theme among older adults that goes like this: I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of the in-between.

Even as faith-filled Christians, older adults question how life will unfold. They wonder if a health crisis will cause them to be dependent upon others for a long stretch of time or if they will eventually have to move to a care facility. But even as they silently ask these questions, they are reminded of the biblical mandate to trust God in all things.

As the church, we can help older adults embrace this tension. We must begin by acknowledging their fears. Only then can we help them refocus on God’s promises through scripture, study, and prayer.

We can also help older adults cultivate meaningful relationships. A network of family and close friends is a great deterrent to fear. Just taking an older person to visit a longtime friend in rehab can be a great source of comfort and encouragement to both older adults. Certainly, the church has a special calling to help older adults face the “in-between.”

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ARTICLE: Renewed Purpose

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 05:00:00 GMT

We have become a throw-away society. A quick glance through your post-Christmas trash receptacle will likely affirm just how much we have come to love convenience. From gift bags and self-stick bows to aluminum food containers and plastic utensils, we enjoy the easy life.

I confess that I am not immune. I like products that make life easier. Every time I change a grandson’s diaper, I am especially grateful for disposable diapers. But it seems we have taken the idea of convenience to a whole new level. Things we used to keep and reuse for decades are now tossed into a disposable trash bag and hauled to the curb. The truth is, we rarely bother to repair broken things. As consumers, we are inclined to toss things aside and buy newer versions.

Just think for a moment about technology. How long did you keep your last cell phone before buying a more up-to-date model? If you are like most people, it was less than two years.

Think, too, about all the ways the world bombards us with the message that young is better than old. Stroll the aisles of a big-box store and take note of all the anti-aging products. Then consider the influence of the media. With the exception of folks like Betty White, older adults are typically portrayed as grumpy curmudgeons or bumbling buffoons. Rarely are they shown as people who are valued for their experience and wisdom.

Recently I attended a conference for church leaders interested in ministries to, for and with people 50 years and older. One of the speakers was my friend and colleague, Dr. Rick Gentzler, Executive Director of the Center on Aging and Older Adults for the General Board of Discipleship for the United Methodist Church. With great passion, Rick talked about how we live in a world where old things have become so disposable that we just throw them out when we think they have outlived their purpose. Regrettably, that way of thinking has also permeated the church.

In a push to reach younger people, many churches have brushed aside older adults, giving only lip service to ministry to, for and with seniors. We like to believe that if we have an occasional fellowship dinner or outing for senior adults, we can check the box for older adult ministry and say we’ve fulfilled our calling. Trouble is, we haven’t.

I have witnessed this phenomenon first-hand with many frail older adults who are struggling to find purpose in life. Most are unable to drive to worship services or participate in the life of the church as they once did. Others are unchurched and have deep spiritual questions. But in a tough season of life when seniors desperately need the church, the church is often absent.

Authentic ministry seeks to address the wide variety of needs among older adults who are in various stages of the aging process. For those who have lost independence and are in physical decline, the challenges are great. So I wonder. Is your church consistently walking alongside older adults who have grown frail? How are you valuing them and nurturing their dignity? In what ways are you helping them rethink ways they can minister to others?

This year when you haul the post-Christmas trash to the curb, I hope you will be reminded of older adults who feel like they, too, have outlived their purpose. In our quest to reach young people, we must be careful not to throw out the old. They, too, are children of God.

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ARTICLE: Blessing Discovery

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 05:00:00 GMT

A few years ago, an older friend lost his wife to a sudden, unexpected illness and death. He was overwhelmed with grief and wondered how he would go on living without her.

One of their old friends phoned him when she first heard the news. She was living in Europe at the time and had been unable to return for the memorial service. They talked for a while, and she voiced her heartfelt condolences before making an unusual request. She asked my friend to send her an e-mail each day listing three blessings that he had experienced during the last twenty-four hours.

My brokenhearted friend said it was not something he really wanted to do. It was difficult to think about blessings when he didn’t even feel like getting out of bed. Still, he tried. Over the next few days, he began to list things like the morning sunrise, the smell of fresh-brewed coffee and a bowl of homemade soup shared by a neighbor. A few days later he noticed the first bloom on the rose bush and the way golden light spilled across his wife’s photograph in the late afternoon.

After weeks of emailing his friend a list of daily blessings, he says he felt his spirit slowly being lifted from the pit of despair. It didn’t happen overnight, but one day he realized that he was actually enjoying looking for simple blessings. Though he still misses his wife terribly, he says the blessing activity was key to helping him want to live once again.

There are many other older adults who are also grieving losses. For some like my friend, it is the death of a spouse or loved one. For others, it is the loss of independence and mobility that accompanies aging, including giving up the keys to the car. Some may also mourn the loss of their homes and belongings, and all that is familiar as they transition to new living situations.

As Thanksgiving approaches, it seems the perfect time to invite older adults to discover blessings that often go overlooked. When I speak to senior adult groups at churches or at residence centers, I encourage the older adults to keep a blessing book, a journal in which they write a set number of blessings each day. Being intentional in keeping a written account of blessings helps one to create a habit of looking at life with eyes of gratitude.

The church should not forget that even the most faithful saints grow weary under the weight of depression or sadness that often comes as they grow frail or experience loss. Helping seniors actively look for blessings in their midst is an important part of ministry to the aged. I can’t help but think of how wonderful it would be if every church provided a special blessing journal for each of its older adults? Or if churches developed a blessing buddy ministry in which seniors share their blessings with another person like my friend did?

May we be people who will come alongside our elders who are struggling in the journey. May we help them to see God’s faithfulness in their lives. For if we do, we, too, will be blessed.

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ARTICLE: Transitions of Older Adulthood

Wed, 26 Oct 2011 05:00:00 GMT

An eighty-four year-old woman watched her children put price tags on her belongings. Her eyes filled with tears as she silently reminisced about the things piled high on makeshift tables in her garage. There was the pink vase that she’d bought with green stamps as a young mother. An out-of-date globe that her children had used in elementary school. Her husband’s old fishing gear and knick-knacks from family vacations over the years. At that moment, she felt exposed, as if intimate parts of her life were about to be paraded in front of total strangers looking for a bargain.

She took a deep breath and reminded herself that she wouldn’t have room for all her belongings in her single room at the assisted living center. Besides, it was good to sort through things while she could still make decisions about what to keep, what to give away, and what to sell. Her children and grandchildren had already taken the few pieces of heirloom furniture and special mementoes that they wanted. But there was still a mountain of stuff. Inwardly, she knew she shouldn’t be concerned with material things, but she couldn’t help but think back to how long she had saved green stamps to get that pink vase. Suddenly she was overcome with emotion. She had never expected to feel so lonely, so afraid, at this stage of life.

In many ways, her golden years didn’t seem so golden after all. Her husband of almost sixty years had passed away last year just as they were getting ready to take a two-week cruise to the Caribbean. Life turned upside down in the blink of an eye. Day after day, she forced herself to keep moving through the fog of grief. He had been her best friend, her traveling companion, her confidant. Now she slept on her side of the bed without even turning back the covers on his.

Then came her stroke. She had gone through four long months of rehab just to regain her ability to walk. Now, she had to make a move since she couldn’t live by herself anymore. Over and over, she kept telling herself that the move was necessary. But nothing had really prepared her for this difficult season of life.

She wondered if she would make friends at the large senior facility. What if she lost her way to the dining room? Where would she sit? It was hard for someone as old as she was to admit, but she felt like a girl on the first day of school.

Across town, an older man grimaced as he dropped into the passenger seat of the car. His arthritis was painful, but not nearly as painful as having to give up the keys to the car. His doctor and family had said that he could no longer drive safely. He had argued with them for months, but finally he relinquished the keys after he’d had a minor accident.

The fender-bender had frightened him. For the first time, he had to admit that his driving could hurt an innocent person. But giving up the car was difficult, especially for a can-do guy who had built a successful business from scratch.

Gone were the days when he could get into his car and drive to the café on a whim to have coffee and pie with friends. Gone were the days of driving himself to Sunday school or to the cemetery where his wife was buried. Now he had to depend on his daughter to take him most places, including to the grocery store and the doctor.

It’s true that growing old is not for sissies. The realities of aging can be harsh, which is why church leaders need to fully open their eyes to the situation. There is a fast-growing population of older adults who need to be nourished and encouraged as they face the ever-changing landscape of aging. The thing is, when your eyes are half-closed, it’s easy to dismiss the issues as if they don’t exist.

Living a long life brings a series of transitions that often include a change in residence, a move to another state, increased medical ailments, physical decline, and the loss of loved ones and independence. An older man who has always been able to fix anything now doesn’t have the strength to change a light bulb above his head. He is both frustrated and humbled. A woman who has cooked countless Thanksgiving dinners fumbles to heat leftovers in the microwave. She feels her purpose slip away with each new day.

A woman who is recently widowed likely faces a series of decisions. Should she move to a senior care facility or stay where she is with occasional care? If she moves, where should she go? Should she move across the nation to be near her only son or should she stay in the community where her friends live? What will happen when she can no longer drive? What should she do with all her belongings?

Though most people don’t like to talk about it, each transition in an older adult’s life is a drain on their self-esteem. With every loss of independence, there is a growing sense of purposelessness. It’s little wonder that many older adults become depressed and simply give up on life. That is why the church must engage older adults who are struggling to find purpose.

So how can church leaders help older adults transition through the many changes that come with long life?

Try standing in their orthopedic shoes. See the world as they see it. Imagine the frustration of impaired vision, poor hearing, diminished strength, and arthritis. Before you criticize them for being stuck in their ways, consider all the changes they have already endured in their lifetime. Think of how fast technology is changing and how out of step they must feel. When you understand why they are afraid or fretting about a situation, you will be far more sensitive to their feelings and better able to encourage them in their journey.

Offer seminars and workshops to address issues of an aging population. Help adult sons and daughters learn the eldercare lingo before they are thrust into an emergency situation. What is the difference between continuum care, independent living, and skilled nursing? Will Medicare pay for assisted living? What exactly will home healthcare do? Bring together professionals who can effectively answer questions about these and other topics that are vital to the wellbeing of older adults, including financial, medical, residential, legal, and spiritual issues. Use the event as a way to reach out to the wider community.

Track older members and keep in regular contact with them. Involve lay persons in weekly ministry to older adults who are no longer able to attend church. Serve them communion monthly. Remember, too, that older adults want a relationship with the minister. It is important to them that they know the person who will bury them one day. Don’t make a promise to visit then fail to keep the promise. Older adults are devastated when church leaders let them down.

Help older adults find purpose in each life transition by showing them how they can still be involved in ministry. Provide homebound members the church’s weekly prayer list and ask them to pray for each person. Invite senior adults to write for Advent and Lenten devotional booklets. Ask a frail older woman to knit baby blankets for the women’s shelter. Invite an older gardener to sell his produce at a church event in support of a mission project. Be creative in helping older adults see how they can still serve others, no matter what their situation.

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ARTICLE: Ways We Don't Want to Be Remembered

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 05:00:00 GMT

I often have the opportunity to lead older adult retreats around the country. During the events of the day, I like to mix in activities that cause older adults to honestly reflect on their lives. Sometimes I give each senior adult a large index card and ask them to write ten ways they do NOT want to be remembered after they die. Usually I can see their eyes cut toward one another as if they are anxious to know what others are writing. There are always a few muffled comments before the group draws quiet and begins to really think and write.

For those who choose to share their comments with the group, there are common responses, like not wanting to be remembered as mean or grumpy. One man wrote that he did not want to be remembered as a liar or a cheat. Sometimes people write about not wanting to be remembered as uncaring, selfish, lazy or as someone filled with self-pity.

Typically, the further older adults go down their list of ten things, the more personal their responses seem to become. I remember one woman who got misty-eyed as she explained that she did not want to be remembered as someone her grandchildren dreaded to visit. She went on to confess that as she had aged, she had developed a critical spirit that had driven her family away.

A silver-haired great-grandmother wrote that she didn’t want to be remembered as an old woman who spent all day in a wheelchair and talked only about the past. A 90 year-old man using a cane said that he didn’t want to be remembered as someone the caregivers dreaded to help. Another man drew serious, then talked about not wanting to be remembered as a pompous know-it-all who lectured his children and grandchildren at every opportunity.

Over the years, I have discovered that this activity often hits a nerve for many older adults. Like holding a mirror in front of your face, it can be painful to recognize ourselves in the answers. Yet it offers a great opportunity for change.

Not long ago, a woman told me that she carries the worn index card in her purse as a reminder of how she doesn’t want to behave. The exercise had made her stop and think about how she talks to her daughter and grandchildren. She realized that she had been behaving in ways that were contradictory to building the healthy relationships she wanted to have. She confessed that she had been a nit-picker for much of her late life, but she discovered that it wasn’t too late to stop. The card, she said, was her daily reminder.

The point is, when you look at a situation in reverse, there is a good chance that you will discover a deep well of truth. By looking at the question of how you do NOT want to be remembered after you die, you may see things in yourself that you’d rather not see. But that is just the beginning! Once you see yourself more clearly, you are better able to make changes that will impact your life and the lives of others in a positive way, no matter your age. So, go ahead. Give the exercise a try and see for yourself.

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ARTICLE: Teaching the Young About Growing Old

Sat, 10 Sep 2011 05:00:00 GMT

A few years ago, a Girl Scout troop in another state contacted me for some advice. As part of their community service, the group was planning to visit a nearby assisted living center. They had stumbled across my website and hoped that I would be able to help them with ideas about what to do with or say to the elderly residents. It didn’t take me long to figure out that they were scared to death. Even their middle-aged leader admitted that she was very uncomfortable with interacting with frail older adults.

I offered suggestions about asking specific questions that would trigger memories and conversation. What was your first job? What’s something funny that you or your siblings did when you were young? But during my conversation with the teenage girls, I discovered that most of them had negative images of the aged seared into their minds. One girl talked about the depressing scenes in movies and television shows that feature elderly people slumped over in wheelchairs, drooling or muttering nonsense. Another talked about a grumpy elderly man who lived next door. Several of the girls admitted that they had never even been inside an assisted living center.

The episode reminded me that people of all ages often dread visiting older adults, especially those who are in a state of physical decline. As I travel the country, I often hear middle-aged folks confess their own dread of visiting aging loved ones. Some even look ahead to their own lives and admit that they would rather die than live in a senior care residence with a “bunch of old people.” Though I understand their desire to remain active and fully engaged until the end, the truth is, none of us really knows how our last years will play out.

The thing that concerns me most is what we are unintentionally teaching young people about growing old. How we can expect young people to learn compassion toward the frail elderly if we adults are not willing to first model compassion for them? It seems that if young people hear their parents talk about older loved ones in derogatory or mocking tones, the youth are likely to follow suit. It makes me wonder, too, what will happen when those parents grow old and feeble themselves?

Perhaps it is time to take an honest assessment of our own attitudes about aging and older adults, especially those in physical decline. Ask yourself what younger people are learning from you about the value of frail older adults. Do they see you showing compassion to the elderly? Or do they watch you shy away from situations in which you would have to interact with them? Think back. When was the last time you took a young person to visit someone in a senior care center?

By first accepting responsibility for our own attitudes, we can begin to model compassionate behavior toward older adults, and in turn, lead the way for younger generations to build relationships with the elderly. Remember that even though one-time visits may temporarily perk up someone’s day, it is only when we invest time and energy into relationships that we will really make a difference in a frail person’s life.

Each month, Missy Buchanan shares insight and strategies for rethinking 50-plus ministry. Her latest book, Don’t Write my Obituary Just Yet, is now available. You can find Missy online at www.missybuchanan.com.

Connect with Missy: Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn

ARTICLE: Been There. Done That. I'm Through.

Wed, 10 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMT

An 86 year-old woman leaned forward in her seat as she described her frustration with longtime friends who seem satisfied with sitting around their apartments in their house robes, watching soap operas and game shows all day.

“You’re dead. You’re just not buried,” she had told them in her spunky style.

I couldn’t help but grin at the older woman’s not-so-subtle reprimand of her peers. It reminded me of older adults I’ve met who have given up on life long before their last breaths. They intentionally disengage from meaningful activity and settle into a routine of television reruns. In fact, it’s not uncommon to hear them proudly announce, “Been there. Done that. I’m through.”

They mistakenly believe that they have “put in” their fair amount of ministry time and have earned the right to kick back in their favorite recliner on some elusive spiritual plateau. The problem is, that’s not a biblical response. God’s call to serve others and grow closer to Christ does not come with an expiration date. They seem to forget that even a frail older adult in a nursing home can continue to develop a deeper faith as he prays and encourages others.

As older adults face increasing physical decline and weariness, it is understandable that they opt out of certain activities. Still there are many seniors who are physically able but unwilling to pursue new opportunities. In every situation, too much isolation and routine brings obvious risks, including apathy and depression. It is also the reason that the church must get more involved in all levels of senior adult ministry, encouraging older adults to keep learning and helping them find ways to serve others.

When my mother was in her early 90’s, she struggled with the oppressive, chronic pain of arthritis. I watched her silently grimace every time she got up or down. Each day a fellow resident of her retirement community would stop by her table in the dining room. On most days the older man didn’t exchange a single word with my mother. He would just lift his hand and offer her a slow-motion high-five. I watched as my mother raised her hand to meet his with a gentle slap. That’s when big grins would crawl across their faces. It was a simple but powerful act of encouragement.

From active to frail, older adults have the capacity to minister to, for and with others. Oftentimes though, they need the support of their families and the church to find ways in which they can serve.

There is an older woman who crochets baby blanket for infants at a women’s shelter. Another uses plastic bags to create oversized, waterproof mattresses for the homeless. There’s an 85-year-old man who makes wooden hand-crosses to give away, and an older couple who take their RV on mission trips so they can prepare food for the volunteers.

Not long ago a 90-year-old woman told me that each afternoon she goes to the room of a fellow resident of her assisted living center. Since the other woman has severe macular degeneration and cannot see well enough to read, the 90 year-old reads to her friend from one of my books written for older adults. Then they talk about each devotion and end in prayer. With the help of the church and families, perhaps older adults can change the worn phrase. Been there. Done that. Who can I serve now?

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AUDIO: Aging and Faith Podcast

Thu, 21 Jul 2011 05:00:00 GMT

Author Leigh Lowden knows what it is to have your life changed by an 87 year-old Alzheimers patient. Tune in to hear her story and discover God in unlikely situations.

Missy Buchanan is the author of Don't Write My Obituary Just Yet (Upper Room Books) and also writes a monthly column, Aging Well, for the United Methodist Reporter. She is a popular speaker on topics of aging and faith.

Subscribe to the Aging and Faith podcast, and visit Missy's website.

BLOG: Aging and Church Challenges

Thu, 23 Jun 2011 05:00:00 GMT

I have a confession. I have had spies at many of the United Methodist Church’s annual conferences during the last few weeks. Well, I guess they weren’t really spies. They were cyber friends and acquaintances from Twitter, Facebook and other online sources.

I sent out all-calls for those attending annual conferences to be my eyes and ears regarding anything having to do with older adults. Knowing I couldn’t be in so many places at once, it was an effort to monitor the chatter about aging, boomers, older adults, seniors, graying populations, etc. I was curious to see if there was anything was said, either formally or casually, about how the church is responding to the fast-growing aging population.

I couldn’t help but smile at a quick response I received from a minister who reported seeing mostly gray heads filling the auditorium where the West Ohio Annual Conference was meeting. A minister from Oklahoma mentioned that the only thing he heard about seniors was a comment in the laity report about an older adult retreat.

One conference representative from New York sent a somewhat peculiar message saying that “the term ‘final arrangements’ was dropped from retiring clergy moving policy resolution.” Another United Methodist minister posted a comment about the lack of young women in his church’s United Methodist Women program which sparked even more conversation.

A few tweeters sent Direct Messages to let me know that the only discussion about older adults they’d heard at their annual conferences had to do with the declining memberships or aging congregations. One layperson from Tennessee wrote, “I wish we could talk about declining numbers without blaming seniors. It makes me feel as if we older adults are the cause of every problem in the United Methodist Church.”

On Facebook, a silver-haired layperson from Texas reported that little was said about the older generations in her annual conference except for honoring the retiring clergy. However, she added that around her table at lunch there was discussion about the lack of care for our "graying" members, including those who are shut-ins and many who faithfully served their congregations over the years with their prayers, presence, gifts, and service.

I also fielded a few snarky, even funny, comments from younger folks attending various annual conferences. I picked up on two common themes in their comments. During the voting process for the 2012 General Conference delegates , there was a great concern about the lack of younger clergy being represented. There was also a persistent frustration about what they perceived as a bloated UMC bureaucracy being sustained by older generations.

Let me assure you. This is totally unscientific research. Even so, it does seem to prompt a few important questions.

I can’t help but wonder if we are sometimes confusing “old ways of doing things” with “old people themselves.” Many energized, young clergy feel as though they are being forced to run through a sticky, thick bog of business-as-usual. When their ideas are not honored, they understandably become frustrated. Some have even grown cynical about the future of the United Methodist Church. Still, we should be cautious not to confuse gray heads with tired, ineffective ways of doing ministry.

I wonder, too, how we can learn to talk about the challenges of the increasing age of UMC members without sounding as if it is a problem they’ve caused themselves. Isn’t it possible for Methodists of all ages to move beyond defensive postures so that we can heed God’s call upon our lives? It seems to me that our future depends on it.

BLOG: A Lesson in Respect

Wed, 01 Jun 2011 05:00:00 GMT

On a recent flight to DFW, I was seated behind two US servicemen dressed in crisp white uniforms and shiny black shoes. Their seat mate was an older man who seemed genuinely excited to be sharing space with these young military men. Even before his seat belt was buckled, the older man was asking a litany of questions. Where were they going? What would their duties be? When might they be deployed?

While passengers continued to board the plane, I followed their conversation. The older man asked a question about the specifics of their training. Even his body language made it clear that he was genuinely interested in everything they had to say.

I was impressed that the young men, in their early twenties, were equally respectful and curious. They responded to every question without a hint of mockery or dread. Soon they were asking their own questions about the older man’s military experience. Though I couldn’t see the older man’s eyes, I imagined them to be dancing with joy. Even his voice became more animated as he shared stories of his long-ago military service.

I noticed, too, that the white-haired man was especially interested in how the young men use the latest technology in their jobs. He wanted to understand how computers and other technological advancements have changed the way the military works. A few minutes later when the older man talked about the equipment he had used back in his day, the young men let out an audible “wow.” They were genuinely impressed that he had done so much with so little.

Just as the flight attendant came on the speaker to review the safety rules, the older man announced, “Well, I’m sure proud of you boys. A lot of things have changed since I was in the service, but it’s great to know that the country is in good hands like yours. May God bless you and keep you safe.”

As I slumped back into my seat, my heart was stirred by the scene I had just witnessed. It made me wish for that kind of inter-generational respect throughout the church. In fact, I couldn’t help but think that this trio of airline passengers could teach the rest of us a thing or two about respect among the generations.

Perhaps the greatest lesson demonstrated by the young military men and their older peer is that they were genuinely interested in the other’s perspectives. There was no condescending tone, no shrugging shoulders, no muttering or whispering behind another’s back. They weren’t playing nicey-nicey or some political game. They just wanted to learn from each other.

It made me wonder what it would be like if every church member, council and agency did the same. What if we each sat on the edge of our seats with an intention to learn something new from another generation? One thing I know for sure. It has nothing to do with one-upsmanship. It is all about respect.

ARTICLE: Those Elusive Baby Boomers

Mon, 16 May 2011 05:00:00 GMT

Not long ago I sat in a church reception area waiting for an appointment. I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation between two church volunteers. They were active senior adults, most likely in their mid-to-late 70’s. They were lamenting the fact that not one baby boomer had signed up for an upcoming event to be hosted by the church’s senior adult group, the Amazing Grays.

Based on their conversation, I discovered that the women had put a lot of effort into planning a special dinner which was intended to welcome the first wave of baby boomers into the ranks of their church’s senior adult ministry. The volunteers had followed the suggestion of the older adult council and had identified those members and visitors who were born between 1946 and 1955. The women had even crafted colorful invitations and mailed them in anticipation of a great response.

Now three weeks later, the women were torn between being very angry and being totally discouraged.

Actually, it’s not an uncommon scenario in churches these days. As congregations begin to respond to the coming age wave, many are trying to steer boomers into current older adult ministry programs. The problem is, it’s just not working.

In her book, Baby Boomers and Beyond: Tapping the Ministry Talents and Passions of Adults over 50 (Jossey-Bass 2010), Dr. Amy Hanson tackles important truths that churches need to hear about ministry to boomers, a group increasingly known as the “new old”. In fact, I believe every church leader should read this book in preparation for the fast-growing aging population. Hanson offers great insight into both the similarities and differences between boomers and their older counterparts. She also suggests practical strategies for meeting the ministry needs of all older adults.

According to Hanson, a primary key to understanding boomers is to realize that they are keenly interested in staying young and are likely to resist anything associated with aging, old, or senior. Just consider our culture, which sends a strong message that aging well is all about remaining young, active and healthy. It’s not surprising that an invitation to join a group called the Amazing Grays would be met with little interest by boomers. In fact, boomers would likely consider such a group as something for their parents or slightly-older counterparts, but not for them. It’s not that they intend to snub their older peers, it’s just that they don’t see themselves in this role.

So what’s a church to do? Hanson points to the importance of choosing names that won’t repel people. She notes that some congregations are beginning to gravitate toward labels like “Second half ministry” or “Encore generation” while other churches are choosing to stay away from any term that reflects an age-related image.

Hanson also points to another important reality that churches often miss. As people age, they become more diverse, not less. Just think about it. At age 75, some people have traveled extensively; others have only occasionally left the town in which they were born. Some are still working, either full-time or part-time; others have been retired for decades. But the greatest difference has to do with physical and mental abilities. Some are active and healthy at 75; others are living with chronic disease or disability. Understanding this diversity is a first step in creating meaningful ministries which will meet the needs of the over-50 crowd.

Learning to think about ministry to those over 50 in today’s world requires a new paradigm. It may even require tossing out some tired labels in favor of fresh identities. As the frustrated volunteers are discovering in their failed attempt to embrace aging boomers, it means rethinking what’s-always-been-done. That’s the first step… and the most difficult.

Over the next few months, Missy will share insight and strategies for rethinking 50-plus ministry. Her latest book, Don’t Write my Obituary Just Yet, is now available. You can find Missy online at www.missybuchanan.com, join her Facebook page Aging and Faith, and follow her on Twitter @MissyBuchanan.

AUDIO: Aging and Faith Podcast

Fri, 29 Apr 2011 05:00:00 GMT

The Golden Years should be more than a daily calendar of activities that just fill the time for older adults. Hear Jan Williams , Activities Director for the Arbor House Assisted Living, tell how she approaches her job as a ministry.

Missy Buchanan is the author of Don't Write My Obituary Just Yet (Upper Room Books) and also writes a monthly column, Aging Well, for the United Methodist Reporter. She is a popular speaker on topics of aging and faith.

Subscribe to the Aging and Faith podcast, and visit Missy's website.

AUDIO: Praying in the Messiness

Fri, 22 Apr 2011 05:00:00 GMT

Linda Douty, author of the book, Praying in the Messiness of Life joins Missy and shares thoughts about how one's prayer life relates to the aging journey.

Subscribe to the Aging and Faith podcast, powered by Blog Talk Radio.

ARTICLE: What's the Problem?

Tue, 19 Apr 2011 05:00:00 GMT

Walk through the halls of a suburban church on Sunday morning and you will get an idea of the challenge facing churches both large and small. Couples and singles in their fifties sip on coffee as they gather for Sunday school. Some share photos on their iPhones while others chat about yesterday’s golf scores. One member talks about her daughter’s upcoming wedding. In another circle, a man shares stories from a recent mission trip to India. When it’s time for class to begin, they pop in a DVD and settle back for the discussion to follow.

Across the hall, a slightly older group begins by sharing joys and concerns. A well-manicured woman with frosted hair announces the birth of a fourth grandchild. A balding man asks for prayers for an aging parent who is resisting the idea of moving to an assisted living center. When it’s time to read the scripture, several members pull out their bifocals and give a nervous laugh about growing old. Next door a similar group plans a restaurant take-out meal for a class member who has just had a double knee replacement. They pray for a job for a member caught in economic downsizing and ask for safe travel for class members visiting grandchildren in other cities.

Down the hall, a group of 70 and 80 year-olds take their predictable seats. Among longtime married couples, there is an increasing number of widows and widowers. Many in the class have been friends for decades. Several belong to the same RV club. Before opening their Bibles for a verse-by-verse study, they pass a sign-up sheet for the Older Adult Game Night coming up on Thursday evening at five.

In a room with an altar chair and lectern brought from a previous church building, the faithful oldest of the old gather. Some are stooped and slow, grasping walkers and canes. One man holds tightly to his wife who has dementia. Although there is handicap parking near the sanctuary, the walk to their Sunday school room leaves a few feeling breathless and weak. No one wants to sit in the chairs left vacant by longtime members who have died. With large-print lesson booklets resting on their laps, they open the Cokesbury hymnal and begin to sing.

Within a ten-mile radius of the church, there are unseen older church members who can no longer drive to church. Typically they are watching a television evangelist or sitting by the window in a favorite recliner, missing their church community. It’s been months since they’ve been served communion.

Admittedly, it’s a quick glance at the over-50 population of the church-at-large. It is a fast-growing group, with its subgroups more clearly defined by mobility and health than by age alone. One thing is clear. Each subgroup has different needs. Different interests. Different perspectives and life experiences.

Why then does the church keep trying to force a one-size-fits-all mentality onto its 50-plus ministry? Before we can expect to effectively address ministry to, for and with people over 50, we must first admit that we’ve got a problem, and the problem is us.

We are too easily drawn into an us versus them way of thinking about the 50-plus crowd, as if one group is right and the other is wrong. As if there is a raging battle between potluck and take-out. Between lesson booklets and DVDs. Between bus trips and hiking trips.

Too often we fall back into a default position because we just don’t know what else to do. So we keep trying the one-size-fits-all model of ministry and complain that it’s not working. Yes, we are an aging church in an aging society. Yes, we need to do all we can to draw young people into the life of the church. But the truth is, if we are going to create vibrant ministry among those over 50, diversity will have to be a vital part of the solution. I’m wondering, can we start by first admitting we have a problem?

Over the next few months, Missy will share insight and strategies for rethinking 50-plus ministry. Her latest book, Don’t Write my Obituary Just Yet, is published by Upper Room Books. You can find her online at www.missybuchanan.com, join her Facebook page Aging and Faith, and follow her on Twitter @MissyBuchanan.